NarkSide: Captain’s log – August 29th 2012
Warning: If you go to the gym to socialize, then maybe this article isn’t for you. For the rest of you, i.e. those of you who go to look fucking great naked, pull up a chair.
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Couples working out:
- Matching iPods.
- Matching outfits.
- Kissing between sets.
- Matching love-handles.
Cutesie? No… not really.
Knowing that you read our last installment “Whore Mode: Time to get fucking fit“, I know I don’t need to explain the importance of hustling hard in the gym. I do, however, need to outline the 5 major ways working out with your significant other kills your hustle… and holds you back.
1. You are different people.
…Different people with with different likes, different interests, different requirements and (presumably) different goals. Many times, couples start out on a solitary thought process: support; motivation. Partners feed off of the support of the other to stay motivated and, in so doing, couples generally compromise on activities.
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This is ‘ok’ in the beginning. However, on the long term, a person is more likely to stick to an activity they legitimately enjoy. She may like pole fitness… He may like flipping 500lb tires. To reach their goals, he may need more cardio… while she may need more strength-training. Whatever the goal or preference, compromising on the activity undermines a person’s progress and, subsequently affects their level of motivation.
2. ‘Me time’ becomes ‘we time’.
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This point hits married couples (and those that live together) harder than other couples. If you fall into the latter category, feel free to skip to point #3.
I don’t know about you, but I go to the gym to relieve stress. I put my headphones in… I pick up the heaviest motherfucking weight I can find, and I make it my bitch. After a long day of interacting with people, this is the closest that I’ll get to meditation.
I can disappear into myself.
For that hour, nothing exists me and a 500lb deadlift.
Working out with your significant other totally changes the focus. The rules of engagement are different. For one, there are actual rules of engagement (i.e. you’re forced to interact). Disappear into your quiet place and there will be questions:
- “what’s wrong?”
- “what are you thinking about?”
- “Did something happen?”
- “Did I do something?”
- “WHY WON’T YOU TALK TO ME?!”
…Speaking of which, this brings me to my next point:
3. Private shit doesn’t stay private.
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How many times have you observed that (formerly cute and happy) couple at the gym arguing ‘quietly’? How many times have you, while using a nearby piece of equipment, overheard couples making snide remarks to each other because of something that happened in the privacy of their home? I can tell you firsthand, that type of environment, the tension it brings about… it’s fucking toxic. Ruins to the gym experience for all involved.
“But that will never happen to me and my boo.” ~ Yes, of course. Would you like another ticket to Narnia?
4. The Green Giant isn’t very Jolly.
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- “Why are you checking out that instructor? Do you think he’s cute?”
- “Why are you always smiling with that chick? Let me see your phone!”
- “Why aren’t I losing fat as quickly as you are?”
- “Do you think (s)he has a better body than I do?”
While neither of the above scenarios is caused by the gym specifically, both tend to rear their ugly heads in the gym. After all, the gym subculture revolves around the pursuit of physical perfection. Many people have a hard enough time dealing with their imperfections outside of the gym. When faced with the imagined threat of perfect bodies, a lot of people react in the most illogical manner: They take it out on their partners. Imagined slights abound.
Not at all what I’d want from my stress-busting home-away-from-home.
Not. At. All.
5. Couples give Single people ulcers
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Ok, ok… this hasn’t been documented by any scientific body. But, fuck it, I’m slipping this one in and sticking by it.
When I go to the gym, I really don’t want to see you fuzzy-wuzzy puppy-dog-eyes-sporting lovebirds dry-humping in the squat rack. Holy fucking hell, are they making out on the leg curl machine? GET A ROOM you hippies.