NarkSide: Captain’s log – March 22nd 2013
Unwittingly, we hurt a lot of people along the way. This is, ultimately, because a lot of us have been hurt. Hurt begets hurt. I can only speak from the male perspective though, so here it is: We are socialised not to be emotive. Ergo many of us are blind to our emotions, and the subsequent representations of scarring in our actions.
Many of us hurt because that’s all we’ve ever known. A lot of men have been emotionally abused by women who:
a.) Think emotional abuse only counts when it’s man-on-woman
b.) Think that belittling their man ‘keeps him in line’, teaches him how to be ‘real’, or shifts the power balance within the relationship in their favour (instead of to a point of equality & respect)
c.) Have been they themselves hurt.
And, no…I’m not trying to reduce man’s accountability. But rather, highlight the true depth of the cycle…the cycle that we need to break.
The truth is, we (men & women both) hurt a lot of people along the way. This is, ultimately, because a lot of us have been hurt. Hurt begets hurt. Yes… I’ve said that before, but it needs to be said twice.
It is only through communication (on multiple emotive planes) that we can work through the triggers.
It is only by both parties coming to a place of congruence, equality, and respect, that we can feel comfortable pointing out, each to the other, when we’re plainly FUCKING UP.
We want so much from our relationships. But, all the while, we walk around like beggars with sore feet in a dark carpark filled with broken glass: Jumping & recoiling at every perceived threat. Every word, like a shard, pierces us…no matter how constructive.
How can we then evolve as individuals, as genders, and as couples if our walls prevent us from truly intersecting with our other halves?
How can we mediate the cycle of hurt, by acting like we’ve never hurt anyone ourselves?
The short answer is: We cannot.
There’s a popular quote floating around, for which the author is unknown, which goes: “Dont curse love. Curse the asshole that hurt you.” How about this: Let’s curse neither. More realistically, as many of us choose to direct our anger over events past onto our significant others present: Let’s try not cursing.
Let’s try not acting out, not belittling, not abusing, not being our own manifestations of the assholes that hurt us so vehemently (while we pretend that we are the we are so we can ‘protect our hearts’). Let us instead try talking.
Many of you know me as a writer, who paints flowery prose and fluffy scenarios of rainbows, sex, and moonbeams.
I am not here tonight as a writer. I’m here tonight as a man.
Yes… I have been hurt. I’ve lost count of the times and the ways.
Yes… I have hurt. And, in the process of trying to grow in to my better self, I may hurt again. This acknowledgement brings me no comfort… but comfort is NOT a part of the growing process. Comfort, complacency, and their ilk are not the catalyst for change.
Do you prefer comfort or change?